


There Is No Homosexual Content In This Fanfiction

by jockohomo



Category: Metalocalypse (Cartoon)
Genre: Awkwardness, M/M, Murderface-typical Homophobia, One-Sided Attraction, Post-Episode: S04E07 Dethcamp, everyone except murderface and skwisgaar is extremely minor, this is kind of my test run writing metalocalypse fic so..... don't expect too much........
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29936094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jockohomo/pseuds/jockohomo
Summary: Skwisgaar is hot, objectively, and he’s got the hordes of groupies to prove it, and he even looks attractive when he’s slumped on the couch with chocolate sauce and whipped cream smeared all over his face, but that doesn’t mean Murderface personally thinks he’s hot. That would require him to actually think about Skwisgaar’s face (and his body, can’t forget about that), for any extended period of time, which he has not done, ever, and never will do. Because he isn’t gay. And definitely not for Skwisgaar. But it doesn’t even matter whether it’s Skwisgaar or not because he’s not gay.
Relationships: one-sided William Murderface/Skwisgaar Skwigelf
Kudos: 9





	There Is No Homosexual Content In This Fanfiction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [teethrotter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teethrotter/gifts).



> every valentine's day, i write my boyfriend a one-shot, romantic or not. this year, he asked for something metalocalypse, and this is what i came up with. i am very VERY anxious about my characterization/writing style for this show and have never dipped into it before, so please pardon any errors and be kind. i especially am not really sure if my writing for skwisgaar is accurate at all. i really do love these characters, though, so hopefully i'll get more comfortable with it and write more content... someday... 
> 
> the overall tone and content is a Lot more tame than in the series as a whole. murderface is murderface, and thus is a self-hating gay man in complete and utter denial, but i figure if you're here you can probably deal with a bit of all that good internalized homophobia jazz. self-harm/suicide is mentioned twice in passing, very non-seriously. alcohol/drugs are very briefly referenced. also, i don't write out murderface's lisp/speech impediment/???. i don't write out skwisgaar's accent, either, but i tack s's onto words in a manner that's hopefully accurate to the show. just in case those things are the crux of your enjoyment for metalocalypse fic. 
> 
> beta read by empathy_junkie, who is an absolute lifesaver.

By the time they get back to Mordhaus, it’s already the assfuck middle of the night. Murderface, for one, has gotten over the initial relief of having Toki back from Rockarooni Fantasy Camp (and Magnus) and has instead settled into a sort of tired annoyance at being awake at the middle of the night, in nothing but his underwear and a house robe, surrounded by his emotional bandmates. 

After all, it’s not like _he_ had been upset or worried in the first place. Nope. He just went along because the others had _needed_ him to be there with them, obviously. They’re all such wrecks without him.

Charles is sure to hear all about this tomorrow, but until then, they’re handling shit on their own—which mostly amounts to Toki sitting at the kitchen table looking more bemused than anything, flanked by Nathan and Pickles, who are doing an extremely transparent “I’m worried about you but won’t say it so I’m going to sit here and say a bunch of inane bullshit at you until I make myself feel better” kind of routine. It’s pretty gay, honestly, but Murderface doesn’t particularly feel like making a big deal out of it tonight. Instead, he and Skwisgaar are just standing a few feet away, watching the whole gross display.

“Well, uh,” Skwisgaar says finally, apparently to no one in particular, “I ams going to… returns to my chambers now. You guys… take cares or whatever, I guess.”

Only Nathan acknowledges it with a mostly unintelligible mumble in Skwisgaar’s direction, but as soon as the words are said, some sort of switch is flicked in Murderface’s head and he feels like he’ll kill himself if he has to stand there watching this shit any longer.

“Yeah, me too!” he announces, turning to follow Skwisgaar. “Goodnight!”

And then the two of them are in the hallway alone.

They walk for a bit. The hallway is very quiet.

Murderface coughs. “Some night that was, huh?”

Skwisgaar gives a noncommittal grunt.

“Almost makes me feel fucking bad for Toki. Seems like he’s always doing shit like this and getting in over his head.”

Grunt.

“What an asshole, right? Maybe if he wasn’t such a little baby we wouldn’t have to get dragged around saving him from bullies.”

Another grunt, somehow even less enthusiastic.

“And Magnus! Fucking weird that that guy was there, right? I guess he’s all washed up and lame now, but of all the times to do some stupid jackoff music camp, why the one time Toki’s there? I know he acted all nice, but you remember how that guy was. Seems fishy to me. I don’t buy that it was a coincidence. People don’t just change that easy, you know.”

“I would rather not talks about Magnus.” 

“Oh. Yeah, okay.” 

They keep walking.

Murderface, for one, would rather keep talking, but he’s drawing a blank—which sucks ass, because the hallway feels particularly long right now and it’s just the two of them, walking in silence, not talking or looking at each other or anything and it’s _weird_. It wouldn’t have been as weird if it was just a normal night (then again, they probably wouldn’t be sober if it was a normal night, or they wouldn’t be alone with each other at all), but so much bullshit has happened tonight and his stomach is still kind of upset after all the garbage he ate earlier and the stress of the whole thing. It sucks. 

But they’re still walking in silence, not talking or looking at each other or anything. That’s fine. Murderface kind of hates looking at Skwisgaar anyways.

Really, why wouldn’t he? Skwisgaar’s face is one of the most infuriating things in Murderface’s life, which is a feat almost as large as the guy’s ego. His lips, eyes, nose, cheekbones—they’re all practically sculpted to be as humanly(?) attractive as any person’s can be, and it’s _awful_ , especially because Skwisgaar _knows_ it. It makes Murderface angry to look at him for too long, and it’s _not_ because he’s jealous and it’s _not_ because he thinks Skwisgaar is hot. Well, Skwisgaar _is_ hot, objectively, and he’s got the hordes of groupies to prove it, and he even looks attractive when he’s slumped on the couch with chocolate sauce and whipped cream smeared all over his face, but that doesn’t mean Murderface personally thinks he’s hot. That would require him to actually think about Skwisgaar’s face (and his body, can’t forget about that), for any extended period of time, which he has not done, ever, and never will do. Because he isn’t gay. And definitely not for Skwisgaar. But it doesn’t even matter whether it’s Skwisgaar or not because he’s not gay.

And it might be true, maybe, that Murderface has on occasion woken up sweaty and itching with heat after a particularly filthy dream involving Skwisgaar. But that doesn’t mean anything because he knows he isn’t into men and that definitely includes Skwisgaar. Sometimes your brain just throws weird shit at you, right?

“Murderface, cans you, you knows, backs up a little bits.”

“What?” Murderface blinks a few times and realizes that he has moved very close to Skwisgaar at some point while he was thinking. He overcorrects. “Whoops, my bad.”

Skwisgaar doesn’t reply.

“Some fucking night we’ve had,” Murderface says awkwardly.

“You ams tellings me.”

“That movie was awesome, though.”

“Yuh.”

“We used to do that shit all the time. No reason why we can’t still, right?”

At that moment, Skwisgaar stops walking and Murderface runs into his back. He’s about to ask Skwisgaar what the _fuck_ he’s doing when he realizes that they’ve reached Skwisgaar’s room when he wasn’t paying attention, so instead he just shuffles backwards a few paces, muttering something like an apology. Skwisgaar gives him a look, half-annoyed but too tired to be bothered.

For a fleeting, horrifying second, the urge grips Murderface to grab Skwisgaar by the collar of his shirt and smash their mouths together—he’s almost swayed by how strong it is, and that makes him nauseous, and he immediately wants to bash his head violently against a wall. 

Instead of doing either of those things, though, he just stands there, staring dumbly at Skwisgaar.

“You looks like you ams constipated,” Skwisgaar says, but he stumbles over the word “constipated” and it comes out more like “confustipicateds.” His tone is amused, just a bit, in that smug sort of way so typical of him. “Go dos your business, Murderface, okay? I ams goings to bed now. I need some fucking sleep.”

And with that, he’s gone. 

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Murderface realizes that Skwisgaar never answered his question. He had been telling the truth—they really had done shit like that, staying up late to watch horror movies and engorge themselves on junk food, all the time years ago. Back before Toki joined before the band, before Skwisgaar had become lead guitarist in the first place, they had hung out together more than Murderface had ever hung out with anyone. It seems like a lifetime ago, now. 

Murderface knows he was always ugly, but he’s only gotten more revolting since then, hasn’t he? Skwisgaar, though—he doesn’t seem to have aged a day, not on the outside.

Murderface goes to bed angry.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't actually know what the layout for mordhaus is but y'know. 
> 
> skwisgaar just wants some FUCKING sleep
> 
> https://gaspardcaderousse.tumblr.com/


End file.
